Thanks for the speedy responses folks!
I was likely confusing "hold brake to start" with "hold brake to put in gear" yesterday...it was a hectic day.
The shifter might be an option. I recall the cover plate being loose so maybe it's been fiddled with. I was finally able to shift it through the "gates" but the airbag was covering the gauges so I didn't see if the indicator was changing.

I'll also pull the codes and see what's up. I've bought dozens of wrecks like this and never had this type of issue with no-crank.

I would think a crank/cam position sensor would allow it to crank but not fire. Am I wrong?

Now for a little rant (cover your ears kids)....whoever thought those tin lug nut covers were a good idea should have them crimped onto VERY sensitive body parts and then spend the next calendar year travelling around the country with the factory supplied lug wrench to remove them from people's vehicles.