Alright, I'm safely at work via my MINI, and now I can update a little better. I got AAA to tow, so to the people who will say something about me calling towing first, I did.

There was definitely fuel dripping into the carb venturi, and the carb itself was cold, if you can believe it. So there was no vapor lock from the carb itself, either

I will check ballast first I think. I have an extra one, but what's weird is that the entire ignition system (MP electronic) has maybe 4 hours of driving time on it.

The other weird thing was that if I cranked for about ten seconds, you'd hear a rumble like it really wanted to start. I even got it to start once, but it was at really low RPM. I tried to hold it up by pressing the throttle lever on the carb, and it did something of interest - whenever I left it at idle, it ran (albeit rough), but whenever I pushed the throttle lever back, it would stop combustion.

I just hope I didn't wipe a lobe on the cam