As per my usual, just looking for personal experiences with the subject matter, tips, suggestions, etc.

Entering this phase with my Mother, she's 78, I'm 55 (!), only child and she never remarried, so its just me and her.

Living will, and power of attorneys are in place.

I started trying to get things in place almost 5 yrs ago but divorce and other matters on my end (not to mention Covid) derailed everything.

We're not to the point of wiping bottoms or helping bathing, but I can see its not as far off as it used to be, Right now she's still very independent and takes care of herself for the most part. She quit driving on her own, so I help her get around.

What has been driving me nuts in looking for assistance is that she lives right on a county line, and most assistances won't cross that line. For example, every Doctor she's seen in the past 20 years is less than 5 miles from her place, BUT they're on the 'wrong' side of the line. To get transport, she'd have to get all new Doctors which are about 26 miles away one way to stay within her county. Moving is not an option at this point in time.

I realize a majority of the members here may be on the receiving end of caregiving, not giving, but thought I'd throw this out anyway..................

Yes, I know this is a car board, so if this must be deleted, so be it.

Thanks again.

My mother is now 93 and my sister and I were hoping she would stay at the family home until she passed which was in Arkansas. Three years ago she started having falling issues and we got a local care giver company to watch her 24/7. We blew through her money in less than a year and were thinking about a reverse mortgage. All the assisted living and independent living places near her were way too expensive. We got lucky and found a place near my sister in Missouri that was 1/3rd the cost, so we moved her up there and sold the house for her end of life living expenses. We also got lucky as my dad was in the service in WWII and she qualified for his benefits and of course his social security, so she is set for the rest of her life. We hit up every single caregiver company in Arkansas and couldn't find any that were cheap enough. The best ones were Caring Angels and Angel Care, but there were local in home independent sitters who we used for quite a while. We never had a problem like you are finding, no "the wrong side of the tracks" issues in Arkansas. With the internet it is easier to find such people nowadays... We also took care of my MIL until the end of her life in our own home. The best response we got were from Catholic Charities even though she was not Catholic. They supplied all the necessities like hospital bed, IV drip apparatus, and anything she needed for toilet issues including a slip on handle for the tub. They also provided nurses assistants for a few hours each day which helped my wife tremendously, in fact one of them has become a friend. Other churches in you area have people willing to help also.

Not an easy time, and getting help can be difficult & intimidating, but even here in Idaho it's available.
Mom was on oxygen & a walker her last couple of years, but being an independent sort, had moved to her own apartment after selling the house.
What we found was Hospice Care, and they were great folks who also had a facility when Mom had an issue that required what was essentially short-term hospitalization from time to time.
A couple of the Hospice gals became almost family...couldn't hope for more compassionate or helpful people.
They came to Mom's 3-4 times a week and did everything from bathing to laundry. Mom was determined to cook for herself to the end.
Fortunately she also had a network of friends from her Church, who were a great help when I couldn't be there; whether visiting or shopping or cleaning.
I made several banzai runs to her place anyway, at all hours, when she'd have an issue.
During that time, we'd checked with a couple of other care providers - a couple of which seemed pretty sketchy - but Hospice care was better.
My brother & SIL are in Arlington, TX and cared for her Mom for awhile; I'll check with them for info as applies to TX.

Be prepared for some psychological impact to yourself on how you view Life and such.

Reach out to senior services / community services in your area.

Some care givers do travel from house to house to assist with bathing & other personal care, even light housekeeping.

An hour or two a day is a lot cheaper than full time care & she will be more comfortable in her own home for as long as it is possible.

Called my brother in TX - he suggested calling your Mom's health insurance or her Doctor for info.
He doesn't know about any area restrictions/complications though.
What they did was have his mother in law live with them (they have a huge home and are retired).

i looked after my one sister for a few years before her passing.
it was mainly to observe how she was taking care of her house [washing dishes, light cleaning, etc] and not accumulating MORE cats..........
we had a cleaning lady come in once a week, recruited from the area aging association.
luckily, the house she lived in was just a few blocks away from me.
it turned into a "second job" relatively quickly, and not a particularly enjoyable one..........

I helped with Mom's care for the past several years until her passing last February. Pretty much took over my life apart from work. We had home health care off and on and a lady from church who cleaned and did some shopping for her. Looking back I wish I has just retired early and been her full time caretaker. Her wish was to die at home, and home hospice made that possible.I think Angel Hands was the care company we used. Good luck.

I feel for you. I been there. I was juggling both parents between rooms of a hospital when I was 36, my mother 74 with cancer and my father 81 with heart failure and CKD, this was 6 yrs ago. The first thing I will tell you as an independent guy who never asked for help in his own life.......ask for help. You can't do this on your own. You have a life to lead on also and there is no point ending up in a bed right along side her. Call your insurance company or ask your local hospital if you can post a job on their wall, website or nurses station. All you need is a driver who is looking to make some extra money for transport and time. Maybe fill out a few forms along the way but by no means pay for services rendered. Maybe someone who is looking to be a sitter during hours they aren't working and if the vibe is good between caretaker and patient.

I have been a caregiver since 2006 when my mother had a bleeding stroke and still am a caregiver 20 hours, some days more.

You will have to learn hundreds of challenging “skills”.

Sadly, you now need to pay a lawyer to educate you on USA laws and state laws.

Look for an “Elder Care” lawyer.
Expect to pay $400 or more, but in your situation your mother needs you to know this “skill.”

Consider taking a 2nd job for 90 days at a nursing home.
This is a way to be paid to “learn the ropes”.
Prior to doing this you need to pass the “Certified Nursing Assistant” or CNA exam, which is doable.

You need to understand what goes on in a nursing home from 10 PM to 6 AM.

I only have a little bit of experience as a care giver. The practical advice I learned is that the care giver must take care of themselves as well as the person they are helping. If the care giver burns out, they can not take care of the person any longer. Depending on the situation, the care giver may even need help at that point!

It is real important to take care of yourself by getting enough sleep. Taking a break from that role every so often really helps.

You will probably need help. (Depending on how much care the patient needs.) Finding good help may prove difficult. Sometimes helpers steal things, sleep when they should be watching the patient, etc. When you find good help, they may be some of the nicest people you will ever meet.

Edit:

I had an Aunt whose health deteriorated to the point she needed care. My Uncle took care of her as best he could, but they realized she needed more care than he could provide. She went into a nursing home. My Uncle went and visited with her EVERY day for the rest of her life!! Sometimes he would spend several hours with her. Other times his visits were shorter. Bottom line: She received better care than he could give her. It was easier for him to go see her than to be responsible for taking care of her 24 hours per day.

My Uncle took her books, puzzles, craft projects, etc. They would watch TV together. He would bring her carry out food from restaurants. She had a private room, so they could have personal conversations, etc. Her lifestyle in the nursing home was quite similar to the way she lived at home.

Depending on the situation, sometimes a nursing home is the best option. For example, it the caregiver is employed, going to work can take 8 to 10 hours out of their day. They also need time to sleep, take care of shopping and essential errands, etc. After doing all of these things, the caregiver may only have 4 - 6 hours per day that they are actually available to care for their loved one. In this situation, the way my Aunt and Uncle handled their situation may be the best option.

Last point: 360view's suggestion to talk with a lawyer is excellent advice. I had a family member who assumed their parent's home would go to Medicaid after their parents death. An elder care lawyer was able to prevent that from happening. Definitely talk with a lawyer!!!