Well, I measured a third time and was very meticulous about WHERE I measured on the piston (as close to the center of the piston I could get) and getting EXACTLY on TDC (not just within 1degree or so) and everything I could think of and here are my final numbers:

#1= 0.011
#3= 0.012
#5= 0.013
#7= 0.015

#2= 0.012
#4= 0.011
#6= 0.010
#8= 0.008

I'm starting think this might be mostly the decks not being square, in combination with one slightly short and one slightly long rod.
If, for example, the rod in the 0.008 hole was just .001 longer than all the rest, then swapping it with the #7 hole would give me #s that look just like uneven decks.

I should have just instructed the machinist to zero deck it no matter what, so I guess that's my bad...