Where to get a new one that is NOT "painless"! I am talking a factory pull the old hacked up one out and plug in a nice new one so I don't have to turn on the headlights to get the wipers to come one and that sort of thing.

I have heard good things about the M&H harnesses. However, the Chrysler ones cannot be ordered direct from them, you must buy from Year One.

http://www.wiringharness.com/

From their site;
"We do not sell any of our Chrysler, Dodge and Plymouth harnesses direct; they must be ordered from our exclusive distributor Year One Inc.."

So, watch/wait for the 20-30% Y1 discounts codes.