Brad, all of your questions and concerns were answered earlier in the thread. the only problem i see is your either reading right past it or choose not to believe it.
why do you think speed pro, JE and many other companies tell you to open the 2nd gap larger than the first?

here's a link to an article about it. http://www.aa1car.com/library/ring_end_gap.htm

or maybe read the ring gap recommendations from someone else here; http://www.jepistons.com/pdf/piston_instrc4032.pdf

I'm sure i could find at least a hundred articles like these and if you search long enough i'm sure you'll find something that will contradict them.
i think your barn door and ufo analogy is funny but far too simplistic. real world trial and error makes me do what i do with regard to ring end gaps. I don't know of any other way to explain it to you.