Wife and I are in a pickle spot

Ok,

Wife and I are mid sixties. She has a long time male church friend, who has a number of health issues… among them advanced lung cancer and poop issues. He IS ambulatory at this point.

We are in eastern Missouri and live about twenty miles apart. He’s been planning for close to a year to relocate to California to be near his sons. Wife has been trying to help him out with this n that.

Anyway, fast forward to a couple nights ago.. I agreed that he could stay here the night before his flight to California.

Well, the details are too long to list. Suffice it to say everything fell apart brick by brick.

His planning (house sale, selling of numerous belongings, yada yada) all broke down. His car is (mid 2000’s Mercedes) is all but shot. No drivers license, but he has asked to use one of our cars.

The closing out on his house was two nights ago, but lots of stuff still there.

A flipper is buying it as opposed to a direct move in, so a hard push hasn’t happened (yet).

This guy is a retired lawyer, for what it’s worth.

He is VERY snippy and prone to outbursts of numerous sorts. (I can understand, but often and unprovoked gets very hard.

To top it off, wife and I are set for a long Florida Keys trip in a couple weeks.

Don’t know what we’re gonna do.

One of my mottos has always been “Failure to plan on your part, does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

But it looks like we have a problem…

Politely tell him he has a week or less (not sure how many days is good for you) and he needs to be out. He's not poor and has the funds to stay at a hotel/motel. In that time, he can drop off his car at the shop and they can repair it. Loaning a car to an uninsured, unlicensed person is a sure way for you to get dragged into legal problems when something happens. This person is an adult. They were professional lawyer and does not how to deal with this type of situation? Why are you dealing with this guy? His sons should have been out there to help out in one way or another. Suspect he might be wanting you to take care of his stuff for him too. Be kind but firm, a true friend will understand it.

Well said.

You may well be forced to put your foot down. Just plan for it and don't do it at an emotional point. If you don't end up doing it, all the better. But at least you are prepared.

Good luck. And remember, 'no good deed goes unpunished'.

Well, one thing id not be doing is loaning any vehicle to him. You can go from pickle to behind the eight ball in very short order.

Good luck.

You're facing a complex network of personal problems and consequences that are not of your own making, nor under your complete control.

As mentioned above, the guy has money. He lacks responsibility and he lacks action.

Break each problem down to a solution solved by the use of his money
- He needs to hire people to clean out the house, fix the car, get a hire to drive him around.. then look ahead and anticipate everything you can down to his ride to the airport so you're not caught without a solution he can solve with his money.

The guy probably suffers from a lack of boundaries..

You wife has not been mentioned as the primary problem solver here.. What's her role? She can appeal to the church pastor for help dealing with this guy..

You have my sympathy,
- Art

No one can take advantage of you without your permission. You ARE being taken advantage of and abused, IMHO. Take positive action and don't feel guilty about it.

Yes, I thought that too. But he had a BIG falling out with the Pastor several years ago, and hasn’t returned since.

It figures…

I would tell him like this. Rent a storage unit. Get all his stuff in it and give him a ride to the airport. Or get him a u-haul load it and send him on his way. If he cant drive it he has to hire a driver with a one way plane ticket back. This guy sounds like he could be a cheap mooch.

Is it mostly the request to use your car? I absolutely wouldn't allow that because that's a nightmare waiting to happen. As an attorney he should know this. Is it more than the car (him staying at your house while you're not there also?).

Thanks all, I truly appreciate everyone’s input : :

Wife is driving him to his house as I type… supposedly he will be in a motel tonight.

I actually told my wife “Do not accept any money, etc from him.”

Maybe i watch too many Court shows, but he being an attorney…. I wanted to pre-empt a claim of tenant status (do I sound paranoid?)

Hopefully this is resolving itself.

Will advise…

No you are NOT overly concerned with the concern of "residency status"! If he brings enough belongings to show he has established residency it quickly becomes a civil matter and really can become a PITA. I'm sure he knows this. If he has more than a change of clothes and a tooth brush and tells law enforcement he is living there, they cannot force him out and neither could you. This is the case in Florida and probably most states! At this point you are stuck with the eviction process.

IMO:
#1 Your motto is 100% correct.
#2 You do not have a problem YET But may have soon if you do not act. You have a choice whether you ALLOW his mismanagement of his affairs to become your problem.
#3 Could be a sign of mental issues or a reaction to whatever cancer drugs he is taking

One of my motto's is "Lesson's paid for are best remembered"
It is good to help people but bad to ALLOW them to take advantage of you. At 67 years old (now 68) I finally figured that out. It cost me a lot of time AND $$$. One of them was a close blood relative. (APPLY my motto here)
Do you think he helped his clients without charging them as you are doing? Likely not
I would say we agreed to help you for one night. that time has passed.
I do not want to get involved in your personal life or affairs.
I would ask him if he has a preference as to which transportation company you call for him.
I would also ask him if he would like you to call his son(s) to come and assist him with HIS problems
After all they will be the beneficiaries not you.
What are the chances you will ever be in contact with him again?
The sooner you act on this the better off you will be.

It does sound to me as though he is losing some mental competency. That is not for you or your wife to get involved with as you may wind up getting sued.

Go to Florida and enjoy yourselves

Learn who to help and realize when you're being set up/ taken advantage of.
QUESTION:. Does the man even have sons in calif. ?

I don't have ANY advice but the motto I live by is "NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUINISHED"

PS We may be headed to the Key West too. Where are you guys headed? Friend spent AN ENORMOUS amount of $ to buy a house down there and offered it to us.

Retired lawyer ... can't be hurting for $$$. Keep in mind that you'll never see this guy again and you should never have let him in in the first place !!

Now then, tell him:
a) you have till the end of the week then you're out
b) rent a car
c) hire movers and have everything taken to The Salvation Army (charity don't usually pick up)

FWIW, renting a storage unit is just throwing good money after bad. As you see on many reality shows, the contents are rarely worth the rent owing !! Besides, he's moving to Cali, what's the chance he'll come back for anything!

I can attest to that statement. Last summer had to clean out my uncles storage in Wisconsin of his "Valuables" that he had stored for 20+ years. After paying his ginormous, late storage fees, we managed to donate to a charity and get a $300 tax write-off after burning 3 days of time and driving 8 hours both ways. TOTAL waste of time.

Call his sons and tell them to come get their dad

This^^^^^^^ I would not let him in the house

Who cleans him up after he craps his drawers ???

Exactly. My question was going to be, where are his sons in this? They should be taking care of their father.

Absolutely NO on the car.
Absolutely NO on staying at your place, even one night. Especially if your not going to be there!
Absolutely NO on helping him with his mess. It sounds like he has earned everything he has.
I see a retired Lawyer looking to take advantage of, most likely, another unsuspecting helpful person. I suspect he has done this before, probably why he had a falling out with the pastor. A con man with legal knowledge and a week in your house without you being there will have you coming home to nothing, and you will never get the house back (or you wouldn't want it if you could get it back). I hope it works out for you.

Absolutely. Call the sons and have a Come To Jesus conversation with them.

- BUT his sons aren't helping much? Other family members?

Those are all signs of a very "difficult" and toxic person. A person that others avoid, even family members. I bet he's been "difficult" for a long time.

Now that he's out of the house, you need to "get ready for your long trip". Don't tell this person when you will be back from Florida. And don't call him first when you come back.


"You reap what you sow", is a saying. Make sure to tell others about this guys story to get the message across...Be careful not to you lead you life like a difficult PITA, or you'll be sh!tt!ng on your deathbed all alone.

no good deed goes unpunished.

as a retired lawyer he knows what he is doing and taking advantage of you. he sounds like a toxic person and probably doesn't have many friends.
give him a deadline to be out and stick to it. have him call his son to pick him up then say-la-v-lavern.

just a FYI. if a unlicensed person gets into a car crash there won't be any insurance on the car. even if there is a valid policy on the car.
i am no insurance expert. the ins co might cover damages on what the car hits. but there probably won't be any coverage on the car he was driving.
i have seen this multiple times on wrecks towed into the body shop i work at.

“moving to California”….. can’t hide money!

You all are the best!

He spent the night in a motel last night.

Word is… he will be in a plane to California today.

Yes, he has two sons in California. Evidently, very strained (if any) relations with one, OK with the other.

He is around 80 years old, and reminds me a LOT of my deceased father (95).

I loved my Dad dearly, yet in those final years… he could become spontaneously abrasive, and other times unintentionally humorous..

I was riding backseat yesterday, wife driving, attorney riding shotgun.

Listening to his banter, I’m like: MY GOD! DAD’s BACK!

Have to look for that heart of gold, that you know is still inside.

These folks in their late elderly stages… so very hard on so many levels.

But, hopefully this guy is at 35,000 feet.

Will post when I’m sure…

first guy i thought about was Saul Goodman.

Yes but whatever their relationship, unless the old man is a total ####### they stand to inherit his wealth, not you, therefore its their mess to clean up. Its literally the least they can do, glad to hear he's on his way out there.

You dodged a bullet. tbh I thought this was going to drag out and get uglier.

When I was a kid our parents let some family store all their stuff in our garage (for free) "for two weeks" until they got a new place. Six months later we were putting it out on the curb and they were cursing at us and threatening us.

I was probably 8 years old but learned a lesson for a lifetime. Screwups are always looking for some sucker to sign up to be their next victim. Don't sign!

Cometstorm,

Just in case change your locks on your doors. a missing house key is just that. no need to come home to a new room mate!!

Good luck and enjoy your vacation.

I would do my bet Doyle Hargraves impression , pretending he was Karl Childers and / or Vaughn Cunningham in the film classic " Sling Blade" .
G.T.F.O. !!!!
I got no problem being a nice guy , but a little gratitude sure makes it easier.

Elvis has left the State!

lol. "What are you doing with that lawnmower blade"?

Next step is to sit down with the wife and read her the riot act ... don't EVER pull that sh!t again !!!

Oh, you can COUNT on it!

I'll disagree, as she was trying to be kind and helpful. BUT I do think a normal conversation regarding the potential issues being kind and heelpful to that degree can cause. I would also ASK that she converse with you first on a major decision (like this one), and that you both agree before an action takes place. Again she was only trying to help

You kinda have no grounds to jump her azz as you agreed to let him in when asked. Best to say nothing, she knows and will likely bring the subject up herself at some point, and a wow WE learned something there . All you need to do in the future is smile and never agree again.

TJP, 4406BBL don't tell him to be understanding and reasonable. Otherwise we wont get to read his next post titled, "Guys I need help, I'm in a pickle spot with my wife" LOL

I agree with TJP & 4406bbl, I think your wife probably feels the same as you and probably won't do this again. Both of you were trying to be kind and helpful but got blindsided by a situation you didn't expect. Kudo's for being good people and glad it worked out as well as it did.

I put in my vote for saying nothing until something like this creeps up again and then I would say, "Babe this is looking too much like that lawyer guy that almost left us with a big mess. Maybe we should steer clear of it this time."

On a side note, I have learned to say no to loaning my vehicles under questionable circumstances.i.e. like no license. I'm glad you didn't do it. I had a friend who would borrow my big truck on occasions. One time I notices some scratches on the side and mentioned it to him. He said he didn't remember hitting anything but a woman claimed he hit her car so he ignored her and walked off. I later found out that he has gone blind in one eye, that particular side in fact. I have no problem telling him no now. I told him politely I can't risk him being in an accident with a big truck loaded with stuff. He understands and we are still great friends. I will help him if he really needs something hauled. Not worth the risk.

Don’t Be A Solution To Someone Else’s Problem(s).


Jim

Great input points everyone.

Yes, what’s done is done…and will be considered a life learning moment.

No reason to carry it forward by discussing points that are now learned by us both.

Let sleeping dogs lay…

Does that mean the problem has been resolved, or you just don't want to talk about it anymore?

if you read the posts I believe it has been resolved and Calif. has another lawyer, JUST WHAT THEY NEED LOL