I can hear the hazard relay clicking near the ashtray, but of course since the turn signals aren't working, I can't hear their relay and I can't see it anywhere looking under the dash. Where the heck is it?

If you mean the flasher, it should be located in a "cup" just under the guage cluster.

Thanks. To the left or right of the column? And do I need to drop the column to get to it?

iirc it's just to the left of the column. You don't have to drop the column or remove anything but it helps to have someone with small hands.

Thanks, found it. It was hiding behind the under dash radio installed by the previous owner

If you found it under the radio, it may be the flasher for the e-switch. There are two flashers, one for the 4way and one for the turn signals.